Sudden Realization

I think I’m just beginning to understand how deep this goes. I didn’t realise just how much things meant. And if im right, I didn’t believe what was said was true. How couldn’t it be?

Is it the truth the things we say? Can feelings be extracted and exposed so quickly? Can we fall head first with no control? 

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Writers Block

I’m finding I’m running out of time to write. There seems to be so much going on that I can’t keep up with what I want to say and what I need to focus on writing. 

I can’t keep up with whats going on and how I’m feeling. I feel like I’m being smothered with my own thoughts.

So bare with me when I write these next few posts, they may not be in order and they might not make sense but I need to clear out my head with all these thoughts.

The Test

This week is going to be a test. It’s going to be a challenge to see how well we can cope with everything going on around us. For me it’s not going to be easy, I’m outnumbered and out of my comfort zone, and there’s not slot I can really do about it. 

I will keep trying, just as long as there’s something to try for. I won’t pretend for anyone’s sake and I won’t make myself uncomfortable. 

I am scared, I’m worried it won’t work out. I’m worried this week will be to much for me to handle. I’m worried the reactions I will get and how to deal with them.

I’m looking forward to it all being over now.

2 Days

I cant work out if things are going forward or if things are going backwards. Progress was made, I guess it was progress anyways, we managed to talk things out, we’ve come to an agreement and we’ve got a timeline to work on. 

For two days, we had two good days. No arguements, no silence and no ignoring the other person. Yes at time it felt a little forced but for two days it was ok.

And then reality hit back in, routines went back to normal and it was like nothing had changed. 

It took two days for things to go back to normal, Only two months of this left.

What i did wrong…

I’m on the sofa again tonight trying to figure out what I did wrong this time. I can’t sleep and just want to be on my own with the baby monitor up high.

This week has been a bad week for my depression, we all go through our good stages (and by good I mean we can actually get out of bed and get on things with almost a smile on our face) and we go through our bad bits. This week has been a low, maybe I’m over thinking everything waiting for this counselling session, maybe it’s the early morning starts from a sleepless bear, maybe it’s trying to hard to be normal that it’s had a counter effect. What ever the reason I can’t control it, there’s no on or off switch it’s just something that, unfortunately for you, you have to deal with. 

But when you say you’ve  left me to it this week and just let me get on things doesn’t give me the confidence you said you were going to try. When you say there are things your not happy with but there’s no point in arguing because it doesn’t work just makes me feel even worse about myself. You’ve been a bad week seem completely worthless.

What did I do wrong? Did I forget to wash the dishes? Forget to tidy up the baby toys? Did I go straight up to bed after work rather then wait for you? What did I do wrong? 

Do you want me to list the things I was mad at you this week? Do you want me to tell you how tired I am of this life? Do you know how hard it is to stay and how hard it is to leave?

Good or bad

Can the bad be outweighed by the good? 

For every bad decision that is made can a good action balance it out? What if it’s 10 bad actions and one good decision? 

It was so much easier to think when things were bad, easier to think about all the negative and now there’s some good being thrown in and it’s makes it more confusing to think straight. 

Sweet Sacrifice 

There isn’t a single thing in the world I wouldn’t sacrifice for my child. I will give the clothes off my back if it meant a better life for him. 

Isn’t it my job as a parent to willingly give up anything to make his life better. I would give a night of happiness to know that he will be safe and loved, why can’t you see that? 

Why isn’t that second nature to you? 

Impulsive nature

I’m somewhat impulsive, It’s sometimes considered a good thing, but when you have depression I guess it makes you dangerous. I could change my whole life in an instant and not blink an eye, but by doing that I would be changing countless lives around me.

Is it selfish to look out for myself? Is it selfish to give up? Is it selfish to break open lives just for a chance to be free? Could I do that? 

Will I do that?

The Fear

I did it. I asked for help. I have my first appointment to talk to someone and I’m scared. 

It’s a big step for me, one I didn’t want to go through, but I feel like there are some things effecting the most important part of me and I can’t let that happen. I have to put him first and get help.

No one wants to admit they need help, but my unhappiness has got the the point where I need help and I need guidance.

It’s not fine

I’m still struggling with how I’m feeling and trying to understand the question going around in my head. I’m trying not to jump into conclusions or doing anything rash, buts it’s difficult.

I’m not putting on a brave face and I’m not pretending to be anything other then what I am. This time people are just going to have to except this version of me because I can’t keep pretending to make everyone else happy or seem like everything is fine all the time. I feel like it’s time to start finding myself again.