Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean I’m not affected by what is going on. Inside I am hurting and I do want to scream and cry and lash out but I don’t. I do want to talk about it and let everything out but something has changed and I don’t feel like I can. I don’t feel like I can write about it.

It has got to me and I don’t know how I can show this or explain this. I feel almost like I’ve shut a little of myself off to ignore what is really going on. 

I don’t want to accept what is happening and I don’t want to see it face to face. I want to remember all the times and focus on those memories.

My heart hurts right now.

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