Things are changing and I don’t know if I’m in control of them. Before I decided to get help with my depression I spoke to a very close family member. This family member was the person who pointed out that something was wrong, that I wasn’t my happy self, that I should go to the doctors and talk about how I am feeling. To this person I am so very thankful, I trust this person and value there opinion.

We spoke about how I felt and how I am with my son and told me about they managed when they were at a difficult time in there life. I said some things back then, honest and confusing confessions that even at the time I didn’t myself understand. My family member said the way I was feeling may not be all me, that the depression could be taking over and clouding my judgment. The tablets are suppose to help me, to help my emotion and my thoughts and help me think.

Why am I telling you this? Well this week I’m going back to see my doctor, to talk how I’ve been and get some more medication. As you know I’ve been writing and that has helped. I’ve created stronger friendships that have helped. Sometimes I smile more and it’s not fake, I can laugh and be my old self. It doesn’t mean it’s all gone but I have something in my life that is helping. 

But I’m afraid to see my doctor, you see I have been better with my son, I’m more confident in my decisions and I can leave him without having a panic attack or getting my anxiety going. I’m afraid because what if she says the tablets have been working and in my self I don’t feel any different, what if those things I confused months ago are my actual feelings, what then? What would I do then?

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